Call Me Crazy

So…

The first thing I heard this morning (excluding the 4:00 a.m. feeding and hubby getting up at 5:30) was my daughter telling me that it wasn’t dark anymore so it was time to get up. It was true – the first whispers of sunshine were creeping in through my bedroom blinds.

Reluctantly, I got up, got dressed, brushed my teeth, put on my glasses, and came back to my room to find my daughter asleep in my spot on the bed.
I also drove about 30 miles criss-crossed around town looking for a cheap swing at a resale shop since in my time of unemployment, the cost of a new swing seems unjustified.

We didn’t find one, but we did find a really cool playground – where my daughter spotted a child of a different race than us and shouted (totally within earshot of the other child’s dad,) “Look Mama! I like those kind of kids!” At least she was complimentary.

Later that afternoon, I had accumulated enough laundry in the last 6 hours that was soiled with poop, potty, and vomit to do a whole load. I had to set the volume on the washer to “Large.”

I heard a plastic toy sing “Back Pack – Back Pack” more times than I can count.

It took almost two hours from the time we decided to go to bed before I actually shut my eyes.

Next week I am going back to work (part time). Call me crazy, but I am totally depressed about all the time at home with my babies that I am going to be missing.

On a separate but related note, TLC has a new show called The Secret Life of Soccer Moms. I don’t know why, but I find it very offensive. I think it's great to give women a chance to make a career after their kids grow up, but I get the feeling that they are subtly implying that the women should feel regret for their choices. I'll have to watch and see.

Baby Love

Sweet Isaac,

I’ll be the first to admit, you and I got off to a bit of a rough start.
Love at first sight? Yes.
Instant bonding? No.
There were the chemical-hormonal affects of not being able to hold you when you were born and the emotional affects of having to leave you alone in a plastic box in the NICU six to eight times a day for your first eleven days. I had to put up some walls to deal with that, and I’m sorry for what they took away from our relationship in that first month.

But now, my sweet baby, I know you and you know me.

I have learned that you like to be bundled up and warm,

and toys that vibrate make you cry.

I’ve learned that you have really big feet, but tickling them is only amusing to me. As far as I can tell, your favorite activity is putting my nose, chin, cheeks, or pretty much any part of my face in your mouth. Do you know that I love it, too?

You also love your sister. Your eyes light up when you see her, and she delights in your chuckles like they are little precious gems.

I’ve learned that when you crank your arm around like a ribbon dancer, you’re not trying to make me laugh – you just need to burp.

I’ve learned that you make all kinds of squeaks and grunts in your sleep, but when you are about to wake up, you get quiet and still and pop your eyes open to look around before you let us know about it.

I’ve learned that you have a little spot near your temple that feels like velvet. It is warm under my kisses in a way that makes me think of chocolate chip cookies out of the oven just long enough to eat, when the chips are still all melty. Its smell is all baby – milk, powder, and new skin. You close your eyes a little tighter when I touch you there and then get a soft little grin.

Precious son – I love you so much. I can barely wait to see the new little bits of you that are emerging every day.

Belated Valentine

Love, in its best wrapper:

Turkeys

I woke up this morning thinking about how long it’s been since I posted anything and was prepared to go online and announce a hiatus. I was making a mental list of all the reasons that I could use to justify not blogging for a few more weeks. Then I checked my mail and found out that Jen over at Unique But Not Alone sent me an award:

Thank you, Jen! She reminded me that all the things that I was thinking of as reasons to take a break were actually reasons that I need to take the time to do this. This is one thing in my life that I do just because I want to. There are many things I do that I enjoy – like playing with the kids, taking naps, hanging out with hubby, trying out new recipes- and on and on, but those are all things that I do at least in part for other people. This is just for me. I need it, and I am thankful for all the other bloggers, like Jen, who provide my Daily Dose of all the other things I need, like laughter, tears, and perspective.

Lately, I have really been letting the turkeys get me down. My turkeys aren’t people, but they do have names. Some are common, easily identifiable, easily understood. Medical bills. Post-Partum Hormones. Returning to Work. Sleep Deprivation. Some are a little harder to pin down. Mothering Ability Self-Doubt. Mistake-Making Shame. I-Don’t-Want-to-Make-These-Decisions Avoidance. None of these things have the power to bring down my life or even my day unless I give it to them, so today I am taking the first step and calling myself out for letting them hang around.

Actually, Sleep Deprivation packs a pretty good punch all on its own, but nothing a good nap can’t fix…

And to the business of passing on the Daily Dose award: I’m giving this one to MamaDrama’s Jenny and Min, because they make me smile every single day with their unique way of seeing the beauty and humor in the ordinary things of life.