Monday, April 30, 2007

Waiting for Wednesday

…still anxiously awaiting the OB/GYN appointment on Wednesday. I’m having abdominal pain today that is making me run to the restroom every hour or two to verify that I am not bleeding. Never mind the fact that my bowels have been all messed up all day, or the persistent gas. It’s obvious that the pain is in my uterus, people. I na├»vely believed that this pregnancy would be less angst-ridden since I did not indulge in bottle after bottle of wine at my childhood-best-friend’s wedding during week 7. (No, I did not know I was pregnant. Non-pregnant people who are not actively trying get pregnant do not know what “implantation bleeding” means. If you ask me, March of Dimes could do some good by educating us folk on that little piece of trivia.) Instead of my own ignorance, the wrath of nature has gotten me this time. I spent the weekend rolled up in bed with a fever from who-knows-what infection that of course stuck me outside business hours and before my first prenatal appointment. I’m sorry, but my neurosis that week 4 seems too early to call the OB/GYN on the on-call line at 3 a.m. on Sunday and be all “You haven’t actually confirmed my pregnancy yet, but my head is on fire!” won that argument. Somehow, I’d rather tough it out than take any chance at hearing, “That’s what the 24-hour urgent care center is for, honey.” In reality, my OB would never say that to me, but I live in fear of being a burdensome patient and I always believe that my next call will be the one where they decide I am too much trouble. Yeah, yeah, I know, I pay them to take care of me - add it to the list. Whatever.

My prayer life has deteriorated to the point of futility. One minute, I am convinced that God is telling me that I am having twins (seriously.) The next, I’m sure it’s a miscarriage. The whole “be still” thing is not happening. God – you know what’s going on in there, and I know you will take care of me and the baby, whether she (or they or he) is ever born or not. Please take this worrisome spirit away from me!

Here’s a burning question: Why don’t I want to tell my mother about this? We talk on a daily basis, and life would surely be much easier if I could just tell her what is going on with me. Still, I am convinced that she is not going to be happy. That is something I’m not prepared to take. She only had one child – me – and that was enough for her. Whenever Bernie and I would talk about having another, she would always pull the conversation to how perfect and complete Natalie is. There is something in there related to the unspoken idea that baby number 2 = mommy retirement (albeit temporary) that I know stands in opposition to all mother dearest holds dear. Maybe it’s the fear that she won’t be able to keep up with them? I don’t know. If I knew the answer, I might be able to sleep a few more hours at night. There’s also this nagging suspicion that if I don’t say anything, she won’t either. I half believe that I could show up with a baby one day and she still wouldn’t ask me if I had been pregnant. It’s not that she wouldn’t care or wouldn’t notice, it’s that she might actually be that non-confrontational.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Bleeding for Two

So – you know how sometimes you are pretty sure you know how things are going? This week was one of those times. I thought the biggest part of this week would be Natalie’s transition to a new class a daycare and the potty training. Right? Those are big things. My boss is out of town at work, so the week was all planned out there – no surprises. Wednesday was a blood drive at the office. I woke up Tuesday feeling dizzy – not nauseous, mind you – so I told the blood drive folks that I was tentative on the whole thing. Mid-day, I started my period and began to feel better. I almost always have a migrane or dizzy spell at the appointed time of the month, so I wrote it off. Wednesday, I had a very nice experience with the blood center and gave my pint. I was thinking it would be nice to go home and have a glass of wine in my reduced-tolerance state, since my dieting has limited my intake to non-buzz-inducing quantities. Then it hit me – I was standing at the elevator to go up to my office and I thought the floor was going to meet my chin. I sat myself down in the lobby and my nice co-worker Martha bought me a juice and pretzels. I felt so bad that I went home at 3:00 and crashed. The next time I went to the restroom, I noticed that my period had completely vanished. About an hour later, I thought I might have figured this one out (I’m slow, y’all) and I peed on a stick – a stick that, 3 minutes later, had the faintest hint of a pink plus sign. And now I know that, despite no medical research to prove it, it really is a bad idea to give blood when you’re pregnant.

Today’s book: What to Expect when You’re Expecting (some sadistic mutha), which surprisingly does not have any dire warnings about what can happen if you donate blood during pregnancy. There are warnings against everything from touching cat poop to skydiving, but they seem to think that no one would be stupid enough to save a life while “in a delicate state.”

Today’s music: “Say Won’t You Say” (Jennifer Knapp) Isn’t love amazing? I forgot how to speak – knowing you are near and I am finally free…All my devotion, put into motion by you

Today’s scripture: Then the Lord said to Moses, “The man must die…” (Numbers 15:35a.)
I would love to discuss this verse with people who want to ban certain other people from their churches. I’m sure they have heard the “plank in your own eye” plenty of times. I think this one is more convincing. The significance here is that the man God was talking about was guilty only of collecting wood on the Sabbath – the sin of disobedience. Yet I don’t expect to see any picketers at the local high school waiting to shout hateful things at the teenagers coming out of detention. (AND – I don’t expect anyone who claims to believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God to claim that the kid who cheated on his algebra test has not committed a sin.) Guess what people? In God’s eyes, sin is sin. The good news is that God has already paid the price for all of it - yours, mine, and everyone else’s.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Two steps back?

This week has been slow at work, which means that my brain needs some action. The only notable event of my weekend was being pooped on by poor Natalie. It was worse for her than me. We were reading a musical nursery rhyme book when I smelled a suspicious odor. Assuming that her panties were in control of the situation, I jokingly asked “Natalie, are you pooping on mama?” Then I lifted her off my lap to see an exceptionally large glob of poop had escaped her pants and was now sitting in my lap. Natalie was speechless – which is rare for Natalie. As my husband was carrying her off to the bathroom while I tried to stand up without transferring the glob of stink from my jeans to the carpet, she grabbed onto both his ears and looked him directly in the face. With a worried look in her eyes, she asked him “Daddy, did I poopie on mama?” A tear rolled off her nose before Bernie, desperately trying to stifle hysterics, told her in all seriousness “Yes, but mama will be OK.” If some kind of emotional trauma was the problem with our potty training, this weekend was definitely two steps back.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Hello out there

Welcome, self, to the blogging world. Oh- and you, too – welcome to my corner. I’m Katy, often known as “Katy from Katy” (so no, you’re not as creative as you thought you were, everyone). I’m a wife, mom, full time employee, Christian, and there must have been something else in there at some point – I think I remember having an identity of my own once. Maybe that’s why I’m doing this blogging thing. Maybe I can find me in here again somewhere and introduce myself to a few new and interesting people.

My life is probably just like yours and also not that much like yours in that way that is usually true with people once you get to know them well enough. My daughter is potty training right now, so I spend most of my “free” time doing laundry. I don’t believe that she actually knows when she is about to go, but the people at the daycare think she does. If that’s true, then Natalie is confused about where the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy should be applied. And meanwhile, the people I pay to watch my daughter while I am at work watching her on the webcam so I can afford to pay them (huh?) are running our whole family’s life with their training agenda.

I operate on the principle that God is like the glass sphere to my static ball. Not from the 80’s? Here then. I’m that neon pink part in the middle and He is the big glass case. He keeps all my sparks contained so I’m more brilliant-fire-in-a-kaleidoscope and less lighting-storm-in-my-living-room. Also when the switch is off and I’m just a little lump of carbon or whatever the heck is in there, he’s the thing that keeps people from poking at me and stealing the precious spark that I am storing up for the next time I have some energy flowing though me. If I stay close to God, I can be all I am and not fear self-destruction. If I wander out on my own – well, then I’m on my own. Experience has taught me that I’ve got that pesky self-destruction bug just waiting to pop out the first chance it gets.

Today’s book: The Discipline Book (Dr. Sears), unless you want to count Once Upon a Potty. The goal is to put some actual literature back up there by the end of the year.

Today’s music: “Love Bites” (Def Leopard) sung by the large man who works in a cubicle across the hall from me, because my i-pod is still packed from vacation.

Today’s scripture: Do not go about spreading slander among your people. (Lev. 19:16) Does that mean I can spread it with your people? I am particularly bad this week about spreading my venom about my boss, despite my efforts to come back from vacation with a renewed attitude. Yep, that lasted about two days. And guess what showed up in the chapter of the day today? Yesterday was some stuff about discharges and the “customary uncleanness” of women that was a little tough to read, but today – “Hey you down there! Can I put it any plainer? Cut that crap out!.”